Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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