mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
