this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
