I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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