chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
