By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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