how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
