Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
