The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i drank out of a bidet.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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