literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
