An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
