so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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