Old men and throwing up are my life now.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
