I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
