my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
