Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
