You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
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I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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