I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
