dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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