My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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