he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We are two peas in an std pod
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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