on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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