if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
