I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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