im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
