I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
