Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
