I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
