Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
