I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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