I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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