Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
