dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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