So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
