I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
