you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
