My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
