What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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