I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
thus making me awesome and them whores
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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