just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
