She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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