I just cut my nipple shaving
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
