If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Small penises have feelings too.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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