I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
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lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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