youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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