he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
