I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
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She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
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The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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