dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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