So drunk its hurt
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
