its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
