I'm going to jail i love you
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
