my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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