Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
