Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
