I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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